Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?james thurber
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."mitch hedberg
Those people who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.Isaac Asimov
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.dave barry
If all printers were determined not to print anything till they were sure it would offend nobody, there would be very little printed.Benjamin Franklin
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.Billy Connolly
Traveling through hyperspace ain't like dusting crops, boy.Han Solo
Mmm. Lost a planet, Master Obi-Wan has. How embarrassing.Yoda
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.Kent Graham
Gonzo: Hey, Kermit, are you busy?
Kermit: Yes, Gonzo, but I can give you my ear for a minute.
Gonzo: What would I do with your ear?
Kermit: [exasperated] Van Gogh impressions.