Tom Lehrer Quotes
April 9, 1928
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His rivals used to say quite a bit That as a monarch he was most unfit. But still in all they had to admit That he loved his mother.
"Oedipus Rex" 
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More Tom Lehrer Quotes
I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips. I take a healthy bite From your dainty fingertips. My joy would be complete, dear, If you were only here, But still I keep your hand As a precious souvenir.
Tom Lehrer— "I Hold Your Hand In Mine"
In all probability I'll lose my virility And you your fertility And desirability, And this liability Of total sterility Will lead to hostility And a sense of futility, So let's act with agility While we still have facility, For we'll soon reach senility And lose the ability.
Tom Lehrer— When You Are Old And Grey
I recall this sergeant's informing me and my "room-mates" of this rather deplorable fact the army didn't have any official, excuse me, didn't have no official song and suggested that we work on this in our copious free time.
Tom Lehrer— Introduction to "It Makes a Fellow Proud to be a Soldier"
No one is more dangerous than someone who thinks he has "The Truth". To be an atheist is almost as arrogant as to be a fundamentalist. But then again, I can get pretty arrogant.
Tom Lehrer— Responding to a question on whether he considered himself an atheist or an agnostic. Interview (June 1996)
I find enough mystery in mathematics to satisfy my spiritual needs. I think, for example, that pi is mysterious enough (don't get me started!) without having to worry about God. Or if pi isn't enough, how about fractals? or quantum mechanics?
Tom Lehrer— Interview (June 1996)
I would like to state at this time that I am not now and have never been... a member of the Boy Scouts of America. Their motto is, as you know, "Be Prepared!" and that is the name of this song.
Tom Lehrer— Introduction to "Be Prepared"
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
Tom Lehrer— "Be Prepared"
If you're looking for adventure of a new and different kind, And you come across a Girl Scout who is similarly inclined, Don't be nervous, don't be flustered, don't be scared. Be prepared!
Tom Lehrer— "Be Prepared"
When they see us coming, the birdies all try an' hide, But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide. My pulse will be quickenin', With each drop of strych-a-nine, We feed to a pigeon it just takes a smidgen To poison a pigeon in the park.
Tom Lehrer— "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
Oh, soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife. Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life. Oooh.
Tom Lehrer— "Bright College Days"
There once lived a man named Oedipus Rex, You may have heard about his odd complex. His name appears in Freud's index 'Cause he loved his mother.
Tom Lehrer— "Oedipus Rex"
Yes, he loved his mother like no other, His daughter was his sister and his son was his brother. One thing on which you can depend is, He sure knew who a boy's best friend is.
Tom Lehrer— "Oedipus Rex"
So be sweet and kind to mother/ Now and then, have a chat!/ Buy her candy or some flowers or a brand-new hat/ But maybe you best let it go at that!/ Or you may find yourself with a quite complex/ ...Com-plex!/ ...and.../ You may end up like Oedipus/ I'd rather marry a duck-billed platypus!/ Than end up like poor Oedipus Rex!
Tom Lehrer— "Oedipus Rex", final stanza
The usual jokes about the Army aside, one of the many fine things one has to admit is the way that the Army has carried the American democratic ideal to its logical conclusion, in the sense that not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed and color, but also on the grounds of ability.
Tom Lehrer— Introduction to "It Makes a Fellow Proud to be a Soldier"
When you attend a funeral, It is sad to think that sooner o' Later those you love will do the same for you. And you may have thought it tragic, Not to mention other adjec- Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do. (But don't you worry.)
Tom Lehrer— "We Will All Go Together When We Go"
And we will all go together when we go. What a comforting fact that is to know. Universal bereavement, An inspiring achievement, Yes, we will all go together when we go.
Tom Lehrer— "We Will All Go Together When We Go"
Oh we will all fry together when we fry. We'll be french fried potatoes by and by. There will be no more misery When the world is our rotisserie, Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.
Tom Lehrer— "We Will All Go Together When We Go"
And we will all bake together when we bake. There'll be nobody present at the wake. With complete participation In that grand incineration, Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak.
Tom Lehrer— "We Will All Go Together When We Go"
I do have a cause, though. It is obscenity. I'm for it.
Tom Lehrer— Introduction to "Smut"
But don't panic. Base eight is just like base ten really if you're missing two fingers.
Tom Lehrer— "New Math"
I feel that if any songs are gonna come out of World War III, we'd better start writing them now.
Tom Lehrer— Introduction to "So Long Mom (A Song For World War III)
Get in line in that processional, Step into that small confessional. There the guy who's got religion'll Tell you if your sin's original. If it is, try playin' it safer, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, Two, four, six, eight, Time to transubstantiate!
Tom Lehrer— "The Vatican Rag"
So get down upon your knees, Fiddle with your rosaries, Bow your head with great respect, And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!
Tom Lehrer— "The Vatican Rag"
During National Brotherhood Week various special events are arranged to drive home the message of brotherhood this year, for example, on the first day of the week, Malcolm X was killed, which gives you an idea of how effective the whole thing is. I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another, and I know there are people in the world who do not love their fellow human beings and I hate people like that!
Tom Lehrer— Introduction to "National Brotherhood Week"
Oh, the white folks hate the black folks, And the black folks hate the white folks; To hate all but the right folks Is an old established rule.
Tom Lehrer— "National Brotherhood Week"
Oh, the poor folks hate the rich folks, And the rich folks hate the poor folks. All of my folks hate all of your folks, It's American as apple pie.
Tom Lehrer— "National Brotherhood Week" (1965)
Step up and shake the hand Of someone you can't stand, You can tolerate him if you try!
Tom Lehrer— "National Brotherhood Week"
