Some guy hit my car fender the other day, and I said unto him, "Be fruitful and multiply." But not in those words.
The Woody Allen Companion (1993) edited by StephenJ. Spignesi, Ch. 7
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you meet a lot of interesting people, you travel a lot.Woody AllenTake the Money and Run (1969)
On bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.Woody AllenThe earliest source located is here, in the sidebar "Quotations According to Woody Allen" which appeared alongside the New York Times article "Everything You Wanted to Know About Woody Allen at 40" by Mel Gussow, 1 December 1975, page 33. Full text also available in Lakeland Ledger, 25 December 1975 on google news.Unsourced variant: "Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Love is the answer. But while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.Woody AllenAlso found in "Quotations According to Woody Allen" from the New York Times, 1 December 1975.
There have been times when I've thought of suicide but with my luck it'd probably be a temporary solution.Woody AllenAlso found in "Quotations According to Woody Allen" from the New York Times, 1 December 1975.
The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.Woody AllenAlso found in "Quotations According to Woody Allen" from the New York Times, 1 December 1975.
It figures you’ve got to hate yourself if you’ve got any integrity at all.Woody AllenQuoted by Douglas Brode in Woody Allen – His Films and Career (1985)
Maybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.Woody AllenHannah and Her Sisters (1986)
I can't listen to that much Wagner . I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.Woody AllenManhattan Murder Mystery (1993)
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.Woody AllenThe Illustrated Woody Allen Reader (1993)The joke about immortality also appears in On Being Funny (1975)In an interview in Rolling Stone magazine from April 9, 1987, Allen said "Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of people, and I said I would prefer to live on in my apartment."
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?Woody AllenAs quoted in Love, Sex, Death & The Meaning of Life : The Films of Woody Allen (2001) by Foster Hirsch, p. 50
I'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.Woody AllenThe Curse of the Jade Scorpion (2001)
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.Woody Allen"The Early Essays"
The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.Woody Allen"The Early Essays"
What a wonderful thing, to be conscious! I wonder what the people in New Jersey do.Woody Allen"No Kaddish for Weinstein"
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.Woody Allen"Selections from the Allen Notebooks"
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.Woody Allen"Selections from the Allen Notebooks"
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.Woody Allen"Selections from the Allen Notebooks"
To you I'm an atheist; to God I'm the loyal opposition.Woody AllenWoody Allen, Stardust Memories (1980)
It’s the Second Law of Thermodynamics: Sooner or later everything turns to shit.Woody AllenWoody Allen, in Husbands and wives (1992).
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.Woody AllenWoody Allen, Annie Hall (1977).
I recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.Woody AllenWoody Allen, The Observer Review (1996).
Create and save customized word lists. Sign up today and start improving your vocabulary!