I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."Mitch Hedberg
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.Mitch Hedberg
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.Mitch Hedberg
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.Mitch Hedberg
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.Mitch Hedberg
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!Mitch Hedberg
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