Mitch Hedberg (24 February 1968 – 30 March 2005) was an American stand-up comedian known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs.
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Funny, Sometimes, middle, night, think, something, then, pen, write
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."
Funny, saw, wino, eating, grapes, Dude, you, wait
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Funny, dreams, You, know, sick, following, man, going, ask
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Funny, stick, Carefree, gum, work, pretty, good, while, blowing
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the inconvenience.
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Funny, messed, rabbits, drunk, carrots
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
I once saw a forklift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I haven't slept for ten days because that would be too long.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
People say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
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