When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.
I think there's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.Gracie AllenAs quoted in Say Good Night, Gracie! : The Story of Burns & Allen (1986) by Cheryl Blythe and Susan Sackett, p. 48
Cultivate friendships. If you don’t have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.Gracie AllenCh. 6 : How not to offend anybody
I was so surprised at being born that I didn't speak for a year and a half.Gracie AllenAs quoted in Gracie : A Love Story (1988) by George Burns, p. 17
I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.Gracie AllenAs quoted in Funny Ladies : The Best Humor from America's Funniest Women (2001) by Bill Adler, p. 51
Never place a period where God has placed a comma.Gracie AllenLast letter to George Burns, as quoted in Two Minutes for God : Quick Fixes for the Spirit (2007) by Peter B. Panagore, p. 73; this was later used in a slogan for the United Church of Christ: "Never place a period where God has placed a comma. God Is Still Speaking."
You're the only boy who ever made me cry, and I decided that if you could make me cry, I must really love you.Gracie AllenAccepting a proposal of marriage from George Burns in December 1925, after a long period of reluctance, and dismissal of his overtures, as quoted in Gracie : A Love Story (1988) by George Burns, p. 17
I'll bet you say that to all the girls!Gracie AllenGracie's typical reply in her comedic routines to a slight or insult she has mistaken for a compliment, as quoted in A Pictorial History of Vaudeville (1961) by Bernard Sobel, p. 130; also often quoted in slightly extended form as "Oh, George, I bet you say that to all the girls!"
Every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground.Gracie AllenCh. 2 : Others make good, why not you?
I fully realize that every promise I make, the Republicans will double and the Democrats will redouble. They think this will make me vulnerable, but they don’t know I have some tricks up my sleeve, along with a box of raisins to munch on while I’m waiting for the returns to come in.Gracie AllenCh. 5 : Issues and how to pick them
Today millions of people are living who will never do it again. Millions are being born for the first time–and millions are doing nothing because it’s the best offer they’ve had this week. … It is for these people and many others that the Surprise Party is conceived and desecrated, founded upon the principle that everybody is just as good as anybody else, even though they aren’t quite so smart.Gracie AllenCh. 5 : Issues and how to pick them
When you learn to make everybody happy, you will possess the golden secret of how to milk the contented voters. But do it in such a way that they won’t think you want them to vote for you just because you need the money.They need the money, and besides, they can think up other reasons if they try.Gracie AllenCh. 6 : How not to offend anybody
A platform is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.Gracie AllenCh. 7 : Buying a good used platform
This country needs room to grow and expand. In all my own newspapers I read frightful tales of the shameful atrocities being perpetrated on our Democratic minorities in Maine and Vermont. My patience is almost at an end, and if provoked much further I will place both countries under American protection, even if I have to send in my tourists to start trouble so I’ll have to send in a force to restore order.Gracie AllenCh. 7 : Buying a good used platform
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